I, Alone
by Maria - Madoka Ayukawa
Summary: Joe Shimamura aka 009 commited a big screw-up in one of the most recient missions of the Cyborg Team. And now, he tries to explain why did he act that way. Spoilers for episode 35, "The City of Winds". ONE-SHOT!


"I, alone"  
A Cyborg Soldier 009 fanfic.  
  
Characters: Joe Shimamura/009, allusions to the other Cyborgs and Princess Ishuki  
  
Summary: Trying to explain Joe's almost completely OoC (out of character) in "The City of Winds".  
  
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Everything in life flows, moves, comes and goes. Sometimes it lingers around, at other occasions it doesn't . Life is a whirlpool that often stuns you... but at times, your memories and imporessions stick around, and you can't avoid them even if you close your eyes.  
  
Forgive me, my friends. Specially Francoise and GB.  
  
While we head back toi Japan to inform Professor Gilmore, you'll most likely find me alone in my room in the Dolphin. It's a good thing that my usual roommate, Jet, isn't here. Otherwise, he'd force me to hear what he'd have to tell me - that, if he was calm, something not easy after what I did.  
  
I've known what loneliness is like since I was a child, starting with the winter night when I arrived to the church. The priest that took care of me talked once or twice about the abotu the circumstances I come into his life, as a little crying baby along with his sick, desperate mother. She could barely live enough time to give my custody to the Catholic father who played with her when she was a little girl and later was her confident, thinking than nobody else would be able to help me after her death.  
  
The priest always was kind and nice to me, and did everything he could, but even then I'd feel alone. Other children would look down on me and my friends for our poverty, and the other kids in the orphanage has already their own complexes. Not even Ibaraki, Oyamada and Mary could always help me out. We made lots of promises and spent several days playing together... but the truth is, when you're a child, you can't take four lonelinesses and turn them into a big company. No, you can't.  
  
As years passed, my friends left. Some to work or study, others were adopted - but telling truths,the last ones were taken away by Black Ghost. I was the only one who stayed, but I was alrady thinking that I should build a life of my own away of the church, and was searching for a good job. But... those were the times when the priest found out about what Black Ghost did to my friends, and was murdered for standing up against them. I was wrongfully charged with murder and arrested - while trying to escape to later prove my innocence, the same ones who killed him captured me and made me their future killing machine.  
  
I hate dolls. Even as a child, the girls in the church had to throw hissy fits to convince me to play dad and mom or doctor with them.What draws everyone in, is what I hate the most. To manipulate, direct, mimick... and in the end, to mock human life by imitating it. That's horrible to me, and is one of the reasons why I joined you guys... To stop the Black Ghost people from giving us a destiny of blood and death, and to be able to build a new world where war wouldn't exist.  
  
A clean, purified planet where humans can still dream, live, and love; that's the kind of world that I... no, that we want. All of us do, so we got toether to fight for it and not become anybody's killing machines.  
  
Buet even when you call me friend and keep me company, I still feel alone often. I do whatever I can to silence that feelig of secret despair, like when I tell Francoise that everything's gonna be okay. I'm not always so sure of it, and I need to say otherwise to convince myself that the future will really be better for us.  
  
A big part of that fear was reborn the time when I had trouble with my newly-adjusted accelerator. What for some of you was less than a second... for me, it was a month that I spent on my complete own, with all of you suspended in my alternate timeline, unable to hear and feel me. I was the only person in the world, everything and everyone else under a vail of immobility and silence that wasn't lifted until the accelerator stopped and I came back to the present you never ever left. You didn't notice anything about what happened to me, and I chose not to tell you, but to keep those frozen moments in my own heart and mind, until I was ready to talk about them.  
  
And I think that's the reason why I fell so hard. Why I was at her feet.  
  
Yep, I said it right. She enchanted me, but I was the one who stupidly allowed her to do so, then I'm as guilty as she is. Ishuki extended her charm web, but I put in on my own head. Neither Albert nor Geronimo would've fallen for it, and GB's pain after the death of lord Van Allen would've made his mind clearer than ever. Maybe Chang would've been trapped, but Jet and Punma wouldn't, and the same goes for Francoise and baby Ivan. But I... I...  
  
I think that, in Princess Ishuki, I saw myself. I mean, the person I could have grown into. She was as lonely as I could have been, and could see my own reflection in her sad eyes. I thought she had also calling out for others without finding anybody, and wished to find friends without any result... just like I felt in the frozen timeline.  
  
So, I was intrigued. I wanted to know more about her, stupidly believing we were alike...  
  
But we weren't. After years of crying and waiting, Ishuki latched on me and wanted to monopolize my feelings and attention. That was because, while I still believed in myself and tried to fight on, she had already given up on everything, and wanted to be stronger by having my by her side. But I forgot it, I blocked it off my mind while I was by her...  
  
And by doing so, I hurted you cruelly. Wanting to help her, I harmed you all.  
  
I shouldn't have gone with the Princess right after I found her, not telling you anything. After coming back to the camp, I should've been more considerate towards the still pained GB, and take into account Francoise's fear. Albert was right: I gave her free pass to dominate me, trying to retain me by her side in her despair to not be alone anymore, just like German sailors allowed Lorelei of the Rhein to send them to death with her angelical songs.  
  
I almost became what I hate the most. A puppet, a doll... in the Princess' hands.  
  
And I'm so, so sorry. In the end I didn't help the Princess in the way she really needed, and got you to be mad at me. Ishuki was left there more lonely than ever, and I screwed up big time with the ones that have helped me through all of these months.  
  
So, if in the following days you see me depressed, it's not only because of her... but for me and for us all. Because I still don't know how to tell you that I'm sorry for what I did in Peru, not sounding like those morons who commit the same errors over and over.  
  
That's why... I...  
  
No. I suddenly decide that, instead of feeling more sorry for myself than for the ones I hurt, I'll say it. Right now, I'm standing up and walking outside of my room and towards the Dolphin's bridge. I'll give you a piece of my mind and heart before my words are gone and, like the Princess, I'm unable to relate to others. Maybe it's just because I'm scared of being left alone and silently suffer... but I don't care at this rate. I'll better say it out loud before others circumstances don't let me talk, before I screw up again...  
  
Please, forgive me. 


End file.
